Starting over with everything..

I lived and worked in Japan for a long time and have come back in a time of economic and ever present family drama to try and gain a foothold in my so-called home country. Armed with nothing but dog fur, a crappy car, a laptop that hates me, I try to see how far I can get.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Anxiety

Exhausted.. busy... wired... am beyond sleep. I have been in the strangest place lately. I'm so tired I'm sure that if I stood still for more than a minute, I'd fall into a deep sleep and not walk up for days. However, I don't have that luxury right now and won't have that until Wednesday. Ah Wednesday, the most beautiful day of the week. How I love Wednesday.

Why is Wednesday so special to me, you may be wondering. It's because this lovely Wednesday, I go to a magical place called OKINAWA! Okinawa, known as the "Hawaii of Japan" is the birthplace of karate; Mr. Miyagi; the whole reason why I studied Japanese and came to Japan in the first place; wonderful pork and goya recipes, etc... And I'm going to go on Wednesday!!!! I'm thinking this is subconciously one of the reasons I can't sleep. When I feel tired I think about going. I'm slightly freaked out a little bit cause I'm gonna go diving for the first time and the whole idea of drowning or being eaten alive by a sea animal scares the living bejeezus out of me, but I figure it's a fear I hafta get over sooner or later. I'm not getting any younger. Good lordy, I'll be thirty in three years . I know that's no biggie, to some people, and normally I would say I don't care either, but the more and more I think about it, the more it's starting to freak me out a bit.

I don't feel too old. I look alright, I think. Brain's not completely shot, yet. But so many people have those, 'before I'm 30 goals'. I never had those. I've been kinda comparing my life to my brother's lives. All were married by 26 or before. They had all started their careers around the same time or before. I have lots of neices and nephews, two that are teenagers. What have I done? University degree and work in Japan. I have no desire to have kids and am pretty damn sure I don't want kids, yes even if I found the "one" before I'm 30. When people ask me about my life, I give a vauge answer when really I think I have a plan in my head but I don't want to share it cause people are gonna say, that's all fine and dandy but what about settling down? I think in terms of years, where I'll be next year, the year after that, and so on, but I never think in terms of my age. Is that strange? Ah fuck it, I'm to tired and young to think about this crap.

Okinawa, okinawa, okinawa, okinawa....

2 Comments:

  • At 8:14 AM , Blogger tosuboy said...

    god, if you're starting to think about 30 already... you must be a premature panicker! if there is such a thing...

    anyway, re the books - sorry i didn't get back to you earlier... have u still got them?

    my mail btw is tosuboy@yahoo.co.uk

     
  • At 10:22 PM , Blogger sarah said...

    I had just talked to my mother who kept reminding me I was almost 30 and was gonna end up like my cousin stella, unmarried at 40+. My mother has a gift. I have the books still. Will try to make it out to tosu to pass them along or give it to a Tosu person.

     

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